My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Is it penis luge time yet?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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