either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
So much rum. So many feels.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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