toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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