i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
