She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
