If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
