How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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