soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
