Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
