my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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