I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
My liver just had a heart attack.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
