haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
