OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Randomize
