True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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