it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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