No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
