I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
