I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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