Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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