I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
