Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
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