god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I love having hate sex.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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