Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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