update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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