I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
