i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
