you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
