saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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