On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
