I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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