I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
