he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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