I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
