I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
