So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
