My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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