I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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