im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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