i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Randomize
