I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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