ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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