the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
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I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
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Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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