dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
