So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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