I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
