My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
