I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
