She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
