I am puke
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
