She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
