she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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