a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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