I can text with my tongue
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
