I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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