apparently the secret to your success is patron
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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