So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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