Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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